The below article first appeared in IMI on April 1st, 2025, and was an April Fool’s Day spoof. We’ll be back next April with another satirical article.
Brussels, April 1 – In a surprise press conference held early this morning, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announced a dramatic reversal of her long-standing opposition to citizenship by investment (CBI) programs, calling them “a misunderstood but remarkably effective tool for controlled, merit-based migration.”
The declaration marks a stunning policy U-turn for the Commission, which for years has criticized golden passport schemes as posing risks to EU security and values. Von der Leyen, flanked by several visibly confused staffers, told reporters she had recently “taken the time to read some of the actual data” and that her position had evolved.
“Upon careful review of the available numbers,” she said, “we have concluded that if you run proper due diligence and ask people to contribute millions to your economy, you get better outcomes than if you, say, let them arrive without papers in the hundreds of thousands by dinghy on some beach in southern Spain.”
Von der Leyen cited research showing that investment migration programs have raised billions in FDI for smaller EU economies and that CBI recipients have committed fewer crimes per capita than some member states’ own elected officials.
“I had a sort of epiphany,” she continued. “Last week, as I was strolling through Brussels listening to an IMI podcast, I was astonished to learn that we naturalize nearly a million people a year across the EU, many of whom become a net burden on our welfare states.”
She admitted to realizing the Commission had been “demonizing programs that select highly vetted applicants, require large investments, and have economic multipliers. This got me thinking: We’ve been saying for years that European values are not for sale, but maybe they should be, if the price is right?”
The President went on to propose what she called a “Unified European Citizenship Contribution Scheme” in which applicants could donate €10 million directly to the EU budget in exchange for an EU passport, with proceeds earmarked for “digital transformation, plastic bottlecap regulation, and nicer uniforms for Frontex.”
When asked what prompted the dramatic policy pivot, von der Leyen replied, “Frankly, I just couldn’t stand the idea of being outdone by Trump. He slaps a gold eagle on a plastic card and charges $5 million? Please. If the orange man can monetize nostalgia and questionable taste, then Europe—birthplace of Mozart, Mozarella, and Montblanc pens—can certainly put a proper price on civilization.”
A working group, led by Cyprus, Malta, and Montenegro, has reportedly been convened to explore a harmonized CBI framework under EU oversight. The group is now preparing an EU white paper on CBI titled “EU’re Welcome.” Meanwhile, Hungary has submitted a proposal that would allow applicants to choose their passport color, with optional holograms of Viktor Orbán.
As part of her new stance, von der Leyen also announced she would immediately withdraw the Commission’s infringement case against Malta’s citizenship program, explaining that “it suddenly feels a bit rude to sue someone for doing something we now plan to charge €10 million for. Besides,” she added, “the ECJ ruling was probably going to be awkward anyway.”
Happy April Fool’s Day from the IMI team!
